Here I am, back from another one of my sporadic disappearances. After what’s been a rather long, arduous and ultimately rather disappointing month, I’ve decided to attempt another return to this ever-neglected endeavour of mine. Where do I begin…
Let’s wind the clock back just a little over a month ago, shortly after my last post. Spring was upon us, the sun beginning to awake from what’s mostly a winter slumber — though I can’t deny we do have it pretty lucky on the west coast of Canada with fairly temperate weather. Things appeared to be going swell with a potential relationship developing with someone for which I’ve had feelings for years, but equally as important was that the start-up media firm I’m involved with had a chance at a project to design a web site for another start-up company. After what was a few generally slow months, I felt the proverbial ball starting to roll.
The prospective site design job was going to be hectic from the get go, as the company required a fully developed site with an online store, blog, and members’ community; all within less than a month. We were offered the chance to write a proposal to illustrate why we were the better choice (they were looking at one other company) and given a deadline of a little less that twenty-four hours. After twelve-plus hours of writing, layout design and back-and-forth with my associates involved, we had what we confidently felt was a bang-up proposal that was sure to land us the job. We were right; they replied shortly saying that we had indeed landed the job and that they were looking forward to working with us — the feeling was certainly mutual. With the first deadline right around the corner, I began my end of the work mocking up how the site was going to look and doing some minor copywriting to develop the tone and character of the site.
After producing all the required mock-ups of pages and site elements, it was up to the web gurus to produce the sexy site that was envisioned. (While I’m familiar with web design and can do basic xhtml/css coding, the web is not exactly my forte.) Things went quite for a bit, with the occasional email directing me to the coding progress, and I assumed everything was progressing smoothly. It wasn’t until I shot out a brief email inquiring into the status of the progress that I discovered the client had become somewhat unreasonable (which may be an understatement) and wanted to pull the plug on the project. “Alright,” I figured, “we wrote ourselves a contract that stipulated deposits so we’re not totally screwed here, right?” Wrong. While we distinctly mentioned a 50% non-refundable deposit on the proposal, the contract that we wrote with a great deal of haste — which also changed the deposit percentages as the client was a little uncomfortable dropping 50% without anything — missed the non-refundable term, leaving us without the legal right to retain what had already been given. Fuck, call that a lesson learned.
As for that potential relationship thing I mentioned, it hasn’t exactly been any better. What at first appeared virtually set in stone — at least to my eyes — soon evaporated and communication died for a few weeks. Sure enough things picked back up and ended up pretty much where they had been. It’s now been a few weeks of ups and downs, leaving me more confused than a fish out of water. I don’t want to drag on about this topic for too long as I’ve already exhausted it in my head, but I’m left stumped. Do I continue what feels to be an ultimately losing battle? Or do I just throw in the towel and say whatever would’ve been surely would’ve been by now? My instinct is to throw in the towel, but therein lies my problem: my instinct when it comes to women and the whole dating realm hasn’t been what one might call foolproof. Which is when I start to think I should keep up the “fight”, but then that crippling self-doubt* comes in and calls me ignorant.
So here I sit, surrounded by the failed and/or missed opportunities of the past few months wondering in which direction to progress. With a nearly-dry bank account and only a few measly cheques on the horizon it’s starting to look like I need to seriously reevaluate self-employment, and I don’t even know where to begin with that other thing. Perhaps it’s time to start looking for ‘Help Wanted’ signs. Or maybe I need one myself.
*This “crippling self-doubt” is one of the factors behind the lack of regular updates on this blog. It feels hard to find value in my own ramblings when the blogosphere is something that is already so over-saturated with good content. That, and the ever-present trait of being unable to finish personal projects, instead just constantly starting and stopping new ones — something I’ve been reading a great deal on lately but still have yet to find the grease for the wheel. Alright, I’m finished.